I want to be okay and with time I will be but part of me needs to be a little self centered and think about myself till this is all over.
So I booked us a family vacation for the first of April and I'm planning on giving myself a spa day on Sunday.
In the mean time I will look you in the eye and tell you im great, fantastic, perfect just cause its easier that way...
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This is something I came across shortly after my miscarriage that really hit home. If you need to talk, I'm around. <3
Sisterhood of Sadness
Author Unknown
"I was once a member of the Pregnancy Club, my membership card consisting of two pink lines on a stick. I was eager to pay my dues, just like all the other members. Morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings -- I welcomed them all.
But they never came. And before I knew it, my membership was revoked. No real reason -- at least none I could discern -- other than bad timing, perhaps. Or, at least, that's what everyone's been telling me. That and "God's plan."
Miscarriage is a terrible word. As if one has dropped something, or carried something incorrectly. Similar to "mistake" or "misunderstanding." How I longed for it to be either of those things when I learned my baby was gone. Surely, it was a mistake, I prayed. If they would just look again, they would learn it was all a simple misunderstanding.
But the ultrasound screen showed otherwise.
1 out of every 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, say the books. That statistic terrified me when I was pregnant. So many lost babies, I thought. How can I keep mine from being one of them? But now that mine is one of them, that 1 out of 5 seems awfully small.
Or, at least, it did. Until soft-speaking female voices started whispering to me in my grief, "It happened to me, too." Their eyes told me the stories of the pain that we shared, the pain that only a woman who has carried a child - and lost it - could know. For some, it was fresh pain. For others, it was dulled by healthy babies since born.
A sisterhood of sadness.
It's a silent group, this new club of which I have recently become a reluctant member. Our membership cards are the scars we will always carry on our hearts. Our dues are paid in blood and tears. It is a painful initiation, and one never ceases membership. Because one never forgets.
I am joining, not because I want to, but because I wasn't given the choice. But at least I know I'm not alone. At least I know there are hundreds of thousands of women with me, however silent and invisible, quietly holding my hand."
Nicole - that was very nice.
Shanda - I'm sorry still. And I can totally relate. Especially to the part about being one way so as not to make the people around me feel awkward, in turn making me feel that much worse.
It's not easy. But we try to find ways to make it feel easier.
I know me saying this for the umpteenth time wont make you feel any better but, im sorry sis! You deserve a vacation and the spa day and so much more! You are an amazing Mom to Addy and i look up to you so much. You are a strong woman and can make it through anything. If you need another girls day im just a phone call away.
I love you big sis!
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